Cunning Plan
by KinkerBelle
Summary: They never saw it coming. Rayne. Another written for the quotechallenge.


The mule was unbearably tense on the ride back from the latest job. Mal and Zoe shot each other cautious glances as Jayne and River steamed silently in the back seat. The two had gotten in each others way, and really it was truly neither one's fault.

A few minutes after the inevitable fight broke out, River had gone into a split to avoid a low(ish) kick and her leg had tripped Jayne. He'd gotten a rough hit to the gut and Mal knew he blamed River for it. Some minutes later, the merc had smashed a glass on some poor hun dan's head and when he threw the bloody spattered mess away from him it happened to go in River's direction and had cut her shoulder the tiniest bit.

There had been no time to discuss it as a hasty retreat was made, thankfully, with all their goods. And only a few terse words exchanged during the fight had had to suffice in terms of venting their frustrations on the matter.

The mule pulled around a huge sand dune and the Captain heard Zoe sigh a bit as Serenity came into view. They came smoothly into the cargo hold and Mal hopped out like it was his gorram job. Briskly, he walked back to the airlock and hit the button to close her up. Another jab to a small button sent his tense voice up to the cockpit where Wash was waiting to take them out of the world. When he turned about he was ridiculously thankful that Zoe had already started to unload the cargo.

The four of them worked quietly to store their bounty as Serenity broke atmo and headed for Londinium. After five minutes or so the crew had started to trickle in and the work was getting done steadily. Simon and Kaylee stood chatting with Inara on the walks above and when Wash made it down to say hello to his wife, Mal'd gone so far as to assume that he would get lucky enough to see this day through without another fight. But, when was Mal ever that lucky? Never, that's when.

Jayne and River came from opposite directions and were studiously avoiding each other. So much so that they knocked into each other without either meaning to. When both heads snapped up with a mean expression already fixed in place, the pair each assumed that the other had done it on purpose.

The whole crew stopped to watch nervously. After ten seconds nothing had happened. But no one let out the breathe they were holding. The sound of a small, almost delicate slap echoed through the cargo bay.

Mal himself was inclined to back away as River glared viciously at Jayne, who looked stunned as could be. He brought a hand up to the red hand mark on his face in borderline disbelief. His jaw slowly dropped open and he developed the sort of expression that Mal had seen cause men to wet themselves. He looked murderous.

"You wanna rumble, you psycho bitch? Cuz I will take you down, girl in a dress or not! I've had it up to here with you!" He shouted in her face. Spit flew from his mouth and the force of his words blew the hair around her face about.

The assembled crew shot each other nervous glances. River stepped closer to the fuming mercenary, and Mal thought she might be crazier than originally estimated. And she'd seemed so much better after Miranda.

"You think I can't demolish you in a physical confrontation? You're obviously even more mentally dilapidated than can be deduced from first glance." She sneered, eerily calm. Jayne actually growled in her face.

She seemed unmoved and that appeared to be the very last straw for the bigger merc. With an animalistic roar he tackled her to the floor. The room exploded into motion.

Wash ran forward and Zoe held him away with an arm. Mal had dived toward the wrestling pair and gotten both a brutal punch to the jaw from Jayne and a kick in the stomach that sent him to his knees from River. Inara was by his side to pull him away from the fray. Kaylee ran as fast as her little feet would carry her down and Simon pulled off an impressive jump _over_ the catwalks to reach his sister. He'd even landed on his feet and running before Zoe also held him back.

Jayne and River seemed completely absorbed in the task of beating each other to within an inch of their lives. They had stood back up and were moving too fast for the rest of the crew to really even see. Jayne had landed a surprising amount of vicious hits to River's stomach and she was being none too delicate with her kicks to his knees and back.

"Give it up, little girl. I'm in a killin' mood and not too keen to let you out of this hold alive!" He shouted.

"Little girl? Says the one named Jayne! I could probably expend the same amount of effort murdering you as I could with a small child." She said, with a mighty hitch kick to his nose that sent him to the floor. No blood though, which Zoe would later think was odd.

"We're talkin' on names and I might as well bring up that yer name aint a name, it's a thing. Just like you. A broken THING." She howled angrily and somersaulted to his level to claw at him.

As the two rolled around violently trashing this way and that way, River monkey-ed herself onto Jayne's back and sunk her teeth into his neck. He reached back seized a handful of long brown hair and pulled her off. She screeched in rage and pain. When she was as off as she was going to get he twisted 180 degrees and pinned her to the floor of the cargo bay with his whole body.

She flailed beneath him and tried to buck him off with her hips. But his bulk was too much to lift. She breathed heavily and punched as hard as she could before drawing his head to hers and kissing him square on the mouth with almost terrifying passion. Jayne leaned into her with no hesitation what-so-ever.

It was like some sick switch had been flipped. They nipped and pawed as each other and rolled about on the floor. Jayne groaned when her hand snuck down to rub at him through his thin cargo pants. He kissed her more urgently. The crew watched in utter shock and a little repulsion as the two carried on like horny teenagers in a backseat. River moaned harshly when Jayne plunged his hands up her dress. Seconds later there was a loud ripping noise as what must have been River's underwear went flying through the air and landed on Simon's shoulder.

If Mal hadn't been completely bowled over and badly beaten, he woulda found that mighty funny. Simon himself shrieked and flung it from him. He'd had enough at that point.

"GET OFF MY SISTER!" He bellowed, louder than anyone had ever heard him speak.

It seemed to have no effect on the pair writhing on the ground. The Doctor turned to Mal furiously. "Make them stop!"

Mal shot him an incredulous glare and gestured to his bevy of injuries. "Um… no?"

Out of no where a huge amount of water sailed through the air and landed squarely on the pair of entangled killers. Everyone turned to stare at the direction it had come from and looked with confused expressions at Zoe and Wash, who held a massive tub between them. It dripped with leftover ice water.

Wash gave a helpless shrug and murmured. "It seemed like the only thing likely to break up the fight. Sometime in between when we snuck off to get this and when we came back, they started making out. Will someone explain that to me later?" Kaylee nodded dumbly and Wash shot her a thankful look.

Meanwhile, the couple on the floor gasped and panted and wouldn't break eye contact. Jayne was to first to try to make noises like words. His attempts got louder and more confused until at last he got one word out.

"Why?!" This at full Jayne Cobb volume in her face. As if that made sense. But it must have to her

"Because you are all I can think about! It's not fair that I have to feel this way!"

This gave him his words back.

"Not fair to YOU? Explain how bein' drawn to the craziest, most deadly, most beautiful, most perfectest woman in the whole 'verse is fair ta me!"

"They'll never let me have you! Will say I'm too young and you're too mean. Won't see that we're meant for each other." She shouted back, ending on a violent sob as she started to cry and restarted tried to throw him from her.

But Jayne would have none of it. He grasped her face in both hands, a notable feat considering how wet they still were, and kissed her so softly she was shocked into stillness.

"If you'll let me get my hands on you…" he said, barely above a whisper, but frowned and couldn't seem to finish his thought.

"Yes?" She questioned softly, lips still brushing against his.

"… I wouldn't… I wouldn't care what the others'd say er do. I'd have ya as my girl… an'… an' they couldn't tear me 'way from ya."

She started crying for an entirely different reason. "I'm yours." She whispered, kissing him frantically. "Am now, have been, will be until the second I stop breathing. Yours." He sunk into her kiss and wrapped his arms tightly around her. She trembled lightly and it humbled him fiercely.

No one in the crew had words. Inara looked with wide eyes at Mal, who looked at Zoe, who turned to Wash, who turned to Kaylee who turned to Simon and they all made the silent decision to just get out. Simon tumbled and Kaylee wrapped her arm around his waist and he all but collapsed into her side. Inara helped Mal in similar fashion and they ventured to the galley to have a collective drink and discuss what would happen. Jayne and River kissed gently on the floor and didn't seem at all moved that the crew had just up and left them.

When the whole crew sat gathered around the table in the mess River and Jayne broke apart. He looked on her softly.

"That went real well. Admit I didn't think yer plan was gonna work."

She laughed and touched his face. "I hope my kick didn't actually hurt you, bao bei."

He shrugged. "Naw, baby. T'weren't nothin'. Jus' like we practiced. Did it hurt too bad when I threw that glass?"

She shook her head lightly. "I knew it was coming. No worries, my Jayne."

He nuzzled her nose sweetly. "Our cunning plan worked itself out mighty fine, baby."

"That it did."

He frowned a little bit. "Didn't think Zo' an' the little man were gonna drench me in water though."

River nodded with him. "Even I didn't see that coming."

Jayne smirked and licked a droplet off her chin which made her sigh happily. "Feel less funky 'bought trickin' 'em like that, now. S'more funny than anything else. They caint have expected that, aint like we gave away we was seein' each other."

River rolled her eyes. "Was still difficult. Don't like lying to family. But it was ultimately the best way to go about it. After all, a lot of people are going to think we are a shocking pair. Family should be behind it first."

Jayne nodded. "And hey, 'least they won't throw no fits 'bout it and freak out."

"Indeed, too shocked. Will let it just be, much too afraid to keep us apart now."

Jayne kissed his brilliant girlfriend of seven months enthusiastically. "Let's go git cleaned up baby, s'been a long day." He said, standing up slowly and offering her a hand up, which she took.

"Yes, and I am moving into your bunk tomorrow."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Y'are? Shiny."

He walked to his bunk with his arm around her and couldn't wipe the big grin off his face. Gorramit, he loved this woman. Who else could keep him on his toes like her? Or think 'ta re-enact the way they first got together so the whole crew would see what they meant to each other, with minimal fuss afterwards? Not a one.


End file.
